Timelessness

A soothsayer. Un Prophet. A Dude who is really, REALLY good at manipulating women.
Rasputin.
And he had a super big dong.

What if Rasputin wasn't born in 1869 but born in 1985? What if he didn't live in Russia but he had lived New Jersey?

Instead of honing his bullshit gravitas and boning fine noble wenches he would be honing his bullshit gravitas and boning coked up, tanned biddie-monsters. Well, I suppose that aspect wouldn't change all that much.

BUT WAIT! Instead of developing his unmistakable persona while climbing his way up the ranks and pushing his way into larger and larger influential circles in the Russian aristocracy he'd be developing an alpha-male syndrome all the while clobbering beta-males out of his way while attaining a cult like status in the night clubs thus earning the title role in his very own reality show. Hmmm, let me try this again.

BUT OF COURSE! Instead of using his connections within the aristocracy to gain a private audience with ze royal fucking family and charming his way into the pantaloons of Tzaritas everywhere he'd be gaining infinite popularity on the web after the video of Rashpukin (as he is affectionately known by his cultish fans) dropping kicking a midget down a flight of stairs into a baby pool full of jello shots goes viral which would in turn earn him a "private audience" with the everdrunk Bush twinitas. Wait, if I get just one more chance at this....

A-HA WHAT ABOUT THIS! Instead of using his King Kong Dong to subdue the female royalty and using his new found status to influence even the Tzar himself into leading charges into battle himself (although that fuck was an outhouse of a commander) he'd be using his jaggerbomb fueled, fist-a-pumping, twirl-a-donging abilities to get ze twinitas to introduce him to G.W. Bush which in turn would be used to convince the feeble texan mousemouse to brand himself the "decider" and in turn would thrust us into the global war on terror. But.....Wait....

WTF! Rasputin(Rashpukin) is timeless.